I'm not expecting much to come of this except the fact that I'm kinda in a funk...stressed? Lonely? tired? ...maybe it's the cold, I could just blame drugs...but I'm not a druggie. Anyway drugs if you're a druggie make you happy-er. Valentine's day is circulating around the school already and I can't help to feel like a loser...my cynical front is wavering here, man, holy shit. The thought even crossed my mind of buying a valentine's day thingy for some one. Its sweet, obvious, declaration of affection/admiration/love isn't near what I do...might be why I find myself feeling this funk. But surely, like before, my mood wasn't dependent on a 'crush'. I could blame my grades but one C isn't horrible. My work load sucks. AP, music theory, and math are a constant. I didn't even bother with Ap tonight and I feel guilty about it. DAMN YOU SOCIETY! ...just had to teach right and wrong. I;m trying my best not to care it doesn't matter but I want to scream so fucking loud right now and distracting myself with other's problems isn't working as well as I thought it was. And I try not to gripe about it to my friends (this is why this lovely place gets to hear all about it) because I don't actually have an /issue/...more or less I'm not recognizing it. Or I might be refusing to because some where deep down I know that bringing it up would simple make everyone else mad or guilty, though none of it is them. I'm losing faith in myself.

FAITH. what is it!? I don't even know anymore. Mom is very religious and we finally had a civil conversation about it. She made a wonderful observation that opened me up a little but at the same time makes me want to run for the hill that has a bunker and enough weapons in it it would make Stalin blush. She said that I don't accept putting faith in God because She thinks I think that by doing so I would be making myself weaker. But I thought the point of having faith in God was being Supremely strong. You know, strong in yourself and stuff. I wonder though if I simply just think I'm not good enough. I'm not baptized, never go to chruch...mean what would He want to so with me? I've always questioned Him, never accepted Him, and now all of the sudden I want to? Mean, if i was the big guy upstairs I'd be a little suspicious. But of course He apparently knows all. Damn, these past couple weeks have just put a wrench in my morals and convictions.

I don't even have enough Faith in myself to think I'm a good friend, much less, like I'd ever make anyone else happy. Now I know why I don't understand it when people think I'm worth knowing. I know, this sounds like self-pity, and I might be but I just need to talk, and have no input. A listener with no judgement.
So. apparently. I'm not sad or in a funk, but kinda lonely with no faith?

URGH! I give up. time to sleep anyways. at least I warned you.